Always There
Recently, I confessed to some close friends that I was having a pitfall. A big one. Even though I was more than ecstatic to be back on my mat and in the space. I could not help to feel a bit of embarrassment, especially during the first morning class. I knew that I would find myself having to play a bit of catch-up. I was also a little ashamed. Mostly because I was welcomed back with such eager and open arms. It’s funny how being welcomed with love can leave you feeling that you somehow missed out on a scolding for having missed a bit of practice and being “bad”.
So it was of no surprise to me that one of the things I took away from the weekend was that Yoga is a process. A life long endeavor. Which because of it’s multi- faceted nature can continue to grow and evolve with us as we ourselves grow and evolve. I’m sure this idea has been presented to me many times in class, but for some reason this time it took hold. As meager as this revelation sounds, it had a profound effect on the way I felt about where I was in my craft, my life, my work and so I did away with the feelings of shame that I had for having lost track of my practice for a time. The knowledge that it will always be there waiting for me to come back to it is a huge comfort. Though I do not use this knowing as an excuse not to get to my mat.
While at one of my lowest points I remembered something I had written a few weeks ago and the interesting thing is the moment during which, I remembered it. I wrote that we are like the roots of a tree; The stronger, deeper and more plentiful the roots, the stronger, taller and more plentiful the tree. A few days after writing this I met a guy who studies Khabala. I was immediately drawn in to learning more about the practice. When I asked him questions about it, I developed an incredible thirst for more. Then, I decided I wanted to learn as much as I could about the beliefs. So I registered for an online Khabalah course. One of the most interesting things I saw on a website I visited was a quote which went something like this, “Khabala is like a tree, we the are like it’s branches.” I gave this a lot of thought for a while because I was a little embarrassed at having written the opposite on facebook just a few days earlier about the practice of yoga.
After reminding myself that there are no “right” or “wrong” answers I started to back up my own idea and the strongest point was this: Branches can cause strain on a tree and in time, if they have grown too large, they actually weaken parts of it. When a storm comes, it is the branches which usually cause the tree to blow over because its leaves basically act as a sail in the wind. Where as the roots are what bring the tree nutrients and water, they bring life force into the tree. Bring grounding to the tree so that it will not blow over in a storm. Even roots which every now and again, just like branches, tend to go astray, they always help to bring stability to a tree.
On the other hand if we are like the branches of this Khabala tree, when we flourish and sprout leaves we also help to nourish it. In that way Khabalah actually holds us up and helps us to become stronger. I am very much in love with that notion as well.
Here’s where it got really interesting, there came a wonderful moment when I had an amazing epiphany, If you turn a tree upside down, and bury the trunk a little, it basically looks the same no matter what way is up (that is when the tree is without leaves). The biggest difference between roots and leaves; roots work in dark, underground, and branches grow leaves which work in the light Yin and Yang and neither can exist without the other. This beautiful and natural paradigm of extreme opposites must exist in order for the tree to survive.
This brings me to a well known notion, which is often repeated as a way of helping to uplift people who are going through a tough time. “It is always Darkest before the light.” The first thing to sprout from a seed is the root which again grows in the dark, then the leaves sprout from the seed and reach for the light.
These revelations came at one of my darkest times. As I mentioned in the beginning of this article I had confessed to my friends that I was failing at many things and seeking any way possible to escape from the reality that things where crashing down all around me. Self medication, sex, alcohol, all the usual suspects. To make it worse I was surrounding myself with people who seemed to enjoy watching the fall and enabled the situation. Once I started taking a look at myself and wanted badly to begin the long process of pulling myself up, I could not help but feel as though I was leaving people behind. I had a need to help even those who had in some way hurt me or my situation in some way during this time. A strong desire grew inside of me to help one person in particular. He was a drug dealer and was feeling just as stuck as I was. He confessed to me that he did not want to continue dealing , especially since he had been in prison once already for dealing and had 6 years of his life taken away. At hearing this I knew I had to stick by him no matter what the cost. I had to live in the possibility of his stopping so that he did not end up in prison again. I even went as far as going with him to his suppliers apartment where I had to literally break up a physical fight between them.
In the end I realized that I could only take him so far, especially if I was not whole enough myself to truly be there in a way that he may have needed. Most importantly he, just like myself, had to be ready to take the hand which had been outstretched. As I start my own journey of healing and building myself into the man I want to be for myself, my friends, my family and the world around me I constantly keep that hand out for anyone who needs it. Though now I refuse to allow it to bring me down along with them. I can’t be as an ark for people I love or those in need if I am sinking myself. I can, however us my wisdom, intuition and infinite creativity to come up with some very creating ways for doing what ever I can in the moment. Perhaps helping others to build their own ark and then tethering a rope between our two floating vessels. The more tethers and arks the more people able to get help, the stronger the ark. The more people attached the more creative the ideas and solutions for how to be of greater service for our fellow men and women. Growing together and continually reaching out, like the branches of a tree.
